Have you ever felt so completely alone all the while being surround by people.? That feeling like there isn't another person in the world who cares, so you cry out, your spirit breaks, you just don't want to be... anywhere, anymore. It feels like God doesn't care about you anymore, that you are at your end, your mind has betrayed you and along with it everyone else in your life.
BUT, here are these little people. How are you suppose to take care of them when you don't feel like taking care of yourself? You dredge on to do what 'your suppose to do', isn't that always the way. Keep going with no real hope, no real help... They are not blind. They see the tears, they know there is something wrong with mamma and the fear of that brings tears to them. This makes your anger, fear, loneliness that much harder... Fear and dread, failure and hopelessness.
I write this because this is real... this has been me, this was my REAL. What a lonely place to be. I have visited that vast, empty, terrible place more times than I'd like to admit in my 36 years. This is a place that I have been recently in my life. Life shattering kind of stuff had knocked me down. Way down.
I felt as though my legs had been cut from under me, that as I lay there bleeding that God walked past and didn't reach out to help but walked on by. I knew this wasn't who my God was. I knew that wasn't what was going on, but I was mad... I was mad at God! 'How could He let this happen??? Wasn't I just trying to be a good wife and mamma? What had I done to deserve this? Didn't He care anymore?
I know that it is taboo to be 'mad at God'. BUT, I was. I was hurt He didn't protect me. I was angry that I had obeyed His desires for my life and yet it seemed as though I was being punished. I was confused. Honestly I was at a loss. I didn't have control. I love control. I love to fix things. I love to be told the truth. I love my role as a wife, as a mom, as an artist, a designer. Everything that I was, was... gone. Now, I was nothing but broken.
This broken, I couldn't fix. I wasn't suppose to be able to. I wasn't suppose to 'get back up'. And I didn't. Not for awhile at least. I was told, "do what you have to do to take care of the kids". Get school done, dinner fixed. So, that's what I did. Like a robot. Do, do, do...
Then I began to read. I picked up my Bible as I had done in years past when things got hard. I read and read. Got up early and read. It wasn't working like it had in the past. My magic 'fix it' button wasn't working. I found myself wrestling with God. Trying to figure out my faith, His love, His willingness to let me get my butt kicked. The more I read, the more I read about myself in the Bible. I didn't like what I was reading. That's when I realized I hadn't been talking (praying) with God in a while. Not the pray at meals and bedtime for the kids kind of stuff. No I mean, talking to the one whom I love about the many great things He has done for me, the wonderful things He had given me, how amazing He was. No, I had stopped talking with Him awhile ago. I just didn't realize it. I wanted to Bible reading to 'cure' my problem that I had with God. I had to realize that all the while I was neglecting the 'love' part of my relationship. NO, I was MAD at Him. He let a ton of terrible crap happen. Why did He let that person lie about me, why did He allow this and that. My heart had changed and I hadn't noticed. I had continued on with my outward obedience in reading the Bible and praying with the kiddos. I enjoyed reading it, Loved hearing great messages, yet somehow I had changed.
Like a teenager who doesn't get their way, I decided, NOPE, not talking to HIM anymore. Jerk. Yes, I wanted Him to treat me good, like the Loving child I am :)
Then one day, I read something. It changed me and split my already war torn heart open just enough for Him to put His healing hands inside.
This is speaking of the nation of Israel had just been rescued out of bondage in Egypt by Moses. They had seen the parting of the Red Sea and the Lord's many provisions and yet, they rebelled against the Lord when hard times came.
Therefore, as the Holy Spirit says: Today, if you will hear His voice, Do not harden your hearts as in the rebellion, In the day of trial in the wilderness, Where your fathers tested Me, tried Me, And saw My works forty years. Therefore I was angry with that generation, And said, "They always go astray in their heart, And they have not known My ways.' So I swore in My wrath, "They shall not enter My rest."
Suddenly I realized He had been trying to bless me. He had been trying to commune with me, to love me, to give good things and joy into my life but because the 'day of trial' had come into my life a few too many times, my own heart had gone astray. Looking back I can see it as clear as day... Every time something really hard, and there has been a lot of those things, came, my heart would turn from Him. This was never a conscience thing, but looking back it is obvious. I think I just never let my heart return to Him when I felt hurt or abandoned. ( I will share some of my story someday. Maybe when I feel it will be helpful to someone out there.)
It was like a bad break up, It wasn't Him it was ME. It was ME! A light turned on! Oh dear, tears streamed down my face. It was ME!
Trials rolled in and my heart rolled away. He was angry with His child like He was angry with the Nation of Israel, His chosen people. He wasn't punishing me with these hard things, He allowed them to humble me enough for me to realize that 'He has me in His hands'. He sustains me. He allowed those things so that He could reach in and take back what once I had so joyfully given Him. My heart.
What He didn't give to me as I didn't trust Him was the same that He swore to the Nation of Israel. They did not enter into His rest. I kept waiting for His rest to come to me. It didn't and I couldn't understand it. Didn't He promise to give me peace? Didn't He say I could cast my cares upon Him because He cares for me? Funny thing is though, I didn't even want to talk to Him. I wanted things 'my way'. I wanted not to hurt anymore. I wanted Him to bless and care for me while ignoring Him. He sure got the short end of that stick.
As I broke under the heaviness of His word. As His word spoke truth into my hurt, I felt a tinge of that peace, that rest that had alluded me for years. I felt peace knowing and understanding a reality that had just shattered my life. That didn't have to go away to feel His peace, I just had to be willing to commune with the One who desired to give it to me.
I've been there in that lonely, dark, place. I've been there, being surrounded by overwhelming circumstances, no where to turn, life's responsibilities staring you in the face when you just know you can't go on. But you can because I KNOW something.
He loves you. You are not alone. I am here. You are here. HE is here. And He loves you enough to want to be there for you in this dark time. Sometimes it's okay to be a broken mamma. It's in those 'times' we can find Rest like we've never known before. Ask me about Him, the Lord Jesus Christ. He's pretty amazing, and I lost sight of that. But being the good God that He is, He has taken my brokenness, and although I am still broken, the master potter is holding me in His most capable hands. Thankful!
Thanks for listening, Brandy